How should we handle unwanted potty training advice?
by Meg Zweiback, R.N., M.P.H.
Reviewed by the BabyCenter Medical Advisory Board
Reviewed by the BabyCenter Medical Advisory Board
How should I handle pressure from my parents and in-laws?
It's not unusual for today's grandparents to think their grandchildren should be potty trained at an age when many modern children are still in diapers. Child rearing practices of a generation ago were not as child-centered as they are today. "Child-centered" refers to a way of guiding children in which parents watch for their kids to show readiness or interest before they begin real teaching or training. However, many grandparents believe that waiting for a child to decide that he's ready or interested doesn't provide enough structure.
Some grandparents will be interested in learning more about current potty training ideas, and showing them some of what you've read here may be helpful. You may also agree to disagree, asking your child's grandparents to direct any comments to you, out of your child's hearing.
Sometimes grandparents will make remarks about potty training as part of general criticism about the way their grandchildren are being raised. A remark such as "You mean you haven't started potty training yet?" may be attached to comments about your other parenting choices. Sometimes a grandparent compares one grandchild to another in a way that implies criticism of the child or his parents. These comparisons can stir up feelings of competition between siblings.
Annoying as such criticism may be, it's unlikely that relatives' views about how or when to begin potty training will make a difference to a young child. However, if your child's grandparents frequently take care of your child, you may want to discuss what you'd like them to try and why. Even if your 2-year-old doesn't seem ready to you, she might be ready enough to practice using the potty part-time with Grandma.
Since a toddler won't usually have the same kind of need to assert her independence or act negatively toward her grandparents as she does with you, she may be more cooperative in using the potty when she's with them. As long as you feel comfortable with the general approach your child's grandparents are planning to take, it's reasonable to let them start potty training when they're with your child even if you want to wait a little longer.
Grandparents, just like parents, should avoid making too big a deal out of a child's success at using the potty. If your child then has an accident, she'll feel that she has let down the people who care about her. And grandparents, like parents, should refrain from scolding or punishing a child for toileting mistakes. Most importantly, don't let your child be caught in the middle of any disagreement about potty training between you and your parents or in-laws.
Some grandparents will be interested in learning more about current potty training ideas, and showing them some of what you've read here may be helpful. You may also agree to disagree, asking your child's grandparents to direct any comments to you, out of your child's hearing.
Sometimes grandparents will make remarks about potty training as part of general criticism about the way their grandchildren are being raised. A remark such as "You mean you haven't started potty training yet?" may be attached to comments about your other parenting choices. Sometimes a grandparent compares one grandchild to another in a way that implies criticism of the child or his parents. These comparisons can stir up feelings of competition between siblings.
Annoying as such criticism may be, it's unlikely that relatives' views about how or when to begin potty training will make a difference to a young child. However, if your child's grandparents frequently take care of your child, you may want to discuss what you'd like them to try and why. Even if your 2-year-old doesn't seem ready to you, she might be ready enough to practice using the potty part-time with Grandma.
Since a toddler won't usually have the same kind of need to assert her independence or act negatively toward her grandparents as she does with you, she may be more cooperative in using the potty when she's with them. As long as you feel comfortable with the general approach your child's grandparents are planning to take, it's reasonable to let them start potty training when they're with your child even if you want to wait a little longer.
Grandparents, just like parents, should avoid making too big a deal out of a child's success at using the potty. If your child then has an accident, she'll feel that she has let down the people who care about her. And grandparents, like parents, should refrain from scolding or punishing a child for toileting mistakes. Most importantly, don't let your child be caught in the middle of any disagreement about potty training between you and your parents or in-laws.
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